PITTSBURGH — Is the local economy collapsing? Researchers suggest it may be after another week of uncertainty forced only a dozen new craft breweries to open in the area, marking a substantial drop from the 39 that opened over the same period last week.
“It’s alarming to witness such a strong downward trend in key economic indicators like pun-based IPAs and innovative flatbread combinations,” said Pitt-based economist Dr. Howard Waterford. “Normally, with warm weather approaching, we’d expect roughly 55 new craft breweries to open, not to mention 27 gastropubs, and 19 food trucks. Worse yet, of the 12 opening, we’ve found only four have a fenced-in dog area, a mere two will play mainstream hip-hop, and just one touts a wood-fire oven. Scary stuff.”
The news has put some locals on edge.
“It fills my nightmares,” said Shadyside renter Tanner Dixon. “Last night, I wept as I watched a 20-something go to bed without having had a single piece of house-smoked exotic meat in his mac and cheese. Growlers, thousands of them stretching miles long, each one bursting with a of different hazy IPA, now reduced to a paltry 63. God have mercy on us all.”
Meanwhile, others believe the news could carry more far-reaching consequences.
“Just more evidence why we need to reopen the county immediately,” said Garfield resident Blake Lippert. “How will our already threatened Yelp community sustain itself if not on a new coffee blonde ale that tastes exactly like the last ten they drank? Where will love blossom if not in the postmodern embrace of steel, stained hardwood, 36 HDTVs, and free Wi-Fi?
“We’re not just talking about losing a few breweries here, people; we’re looking at the unraveling of society as we know it.”
As of press time, Lippert was reportedly giving a beer from one of the new breweries a 1.5 rating on Untappd, describing it as “boring and already done before.”
