DALLAS — Leaked, “off-the-record” segments of Pat McAfee’s interview with Mark Cuban reveal that the Mt. Lebanon native — who also owns the Pirates, Penguins, and Essie’s Original Hot Dog Shop, has started scripting a new ending to ‘Game of Thrones,’ and single-handedly saved Pennsylvania’s economy — is preparing to go back in time and assassinate Nazi leader Adolf Hitler, just like he did with Soviet despot Joseph Stalin, thus sparing the country from his brutal reign and setting it on a path to become the capitalist utopia America Jr. as we know it today.
“Sometimes you have to be strong to do what’s best for the world,” Cuban can be heard saying in the audio. “People need something to boost them up right now, and I think going back and slaying one of history’s most corrupt and evil people is just the ticket — kind of like I did with Stalin, hence why what we formerly knew as Russia is now a tropical paradise with a Starbucks and Original Hot Dog Shop on every corner. Oh, they’re also all Pirates fans, too, and I think I can bring that joy to more of the world, so it’s a risk I have to take.”
As more of the tapes become public, sources claim that Cuban also mentioned other trips in time to stop Pontius Pilate from killing Jesus, Benedict Arnold from defecting to the British, and “most importantly” Jim Rutherford from trading Marc-Andre Fleury.
