SOUTH HILLS — In addition to honoring fallen veterans, members of various South Hills neighborhoods used today to remember those friends and family taken over the years by the North Hills, sources cursing Wexford confirm.
“Hard to believe it’s already been three years since I lost my boy,” said lifelong Upper Saint Clair resident Keith Lako. “I always feared he wouldn’t make it back after the bigwigs at Macy’s sent him to Ross Park Mall. To be sure, he ain’t dead or nothing, but when you live across two bridges and 15 minutes down McKnight Road, you’d might as well be to me.”
Others shared similar stories of Lako’s pain.
“I get to see my daughter at least, but years of captivity [in Pine Richland] has changed her,” said Lee Haley of South Park. “She don’t even ask how the lady Eagles are doing in soccer no more. I was hoping we could get her out to Trax Farms this summer and sort of reverse the brainwashing, but she politely said she was taking her family to Soergel’s instead, at which point I knew there was no undoing the damage.”
Haley’s daughter Lisa noted some unusual discrepancies in how her family reacted to different life choices.
“When I said I wanted to enlist in the army as a senior in high school, my dad drove me to a recruiter at 3 a.m. and gave me a bottle of scotch to celebrate,” she said. “Now my family has lived in Pine for a decade, I’m the head engineer at a nearby tech firm, and I’ve served consecutive terms on the township council, yet the only time he got out of the car was because his Steelers hat fell off while leaning out the window. At the very least, he could stop saying he’s ‘secured the POWs’ every time he picks up the kids to babysit.”
As of press time, guests at Mr. Haley’s Memorial Day gathering were praying for neighbors who “gave their all” in agreeing to grab a keg tap from a man they knew in Bellevue.
