ROBINSON — Kenny Chesney fan Rob Peterson would join protests against restrictions that have delayed the country star’s event at Heinz Field, were he not still on house arrest from his actions at the last concert two years ago, according to sources not legally permitted to drive again until 2023.
“I’d love to be out there packing heat for Mayor What’s-His-Face or the Governor to see,” he said, using his ankle monitor to crack open a beer at 10 a.m. “A shame I don’t have that gun anymore since I got a little excited and fired off those rounds during the tailgate. I still don’t believe that judge wouldn’t do the same if he heard ‘She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy.'”
“Don’t worry, though,” he added, “I intend to be there in spirit, each sip of this giant Rum and Coke pitcher I made representing one step towards our freedom to get back out there and cat-call chicks in jean shorts.”
Following a quick “sip” that emptied half the pitcher, Peterson described the sentence he had received as “biased and unfair.”
“You bump into a dozen or so people backing your truck up to dump all your trash in the river and all of sudden you’re ‘reckless and dangerously irresponsible,'” he said. “I was throwing beer bottles to get people to move and my vodka pong cup was placed firmly in the holder — sounds pretty responsible to me. Just another example of how our justice system singles out all-American country boys trying to have a little fun.”
Friends of Peterson report that the 29-year-old is currently “doing his best to relive the magic,” lying face-down and motionless in his driveway after trying to fight his reflection.
