UPPER SAINT CLAIR — Upon entering the state’s green phase, members of Upper St. Clair residential plan Whisper Hollow announced this morning that their collective efforts have ensured the neighborhood “contains not a single trace” of COVID-19 or persons who in any identifiable way deviate from the norm.
“Yep, doesn’t get any safer than the Hollow,” said HOA president Jim Bartlett, measuring the length of his neighbor’s grass. “All it took was a commitment to keep our distance and fierce litigation against that one family with the boy who had long hair, and things have been peachy keen ever since. Like we say here, there’s nothing a little gumption and constant, passive-aggressive displays of hostility can’t solve.”
The neighborhood reportedly plans to celebrate this evening with a candlelight vigil for a local police officer who lost his favorite pen in the line of duty, ticketing a car parked on the road between 2 and 6 a.m.
