PENN HILLS — Turner Dairy Farms announced today they will add a “sucrose-infused, high-performance sports beverage” to their line of commercial tea products.
“We support our customers’ shift to more health-conscious lifestyles,” said company rep Tyler Culler. “That’s why we’re so pleased to be able to offer the kind of sleek packaging and bold-faced buzz words every go-getter needs. Our new Iced Tea Energy beverage is packed full of the fluid and calories the body craves, all without sacrificing any of taste or, in fact, a single ingredient from the original.”
“Loyal customer” Tommy Flaherty hopes the new product will help him stay healthy even as he approaches the age of his father, who has battled a series of health problems.
“My dad used to drink the stuff by the gallon and he still got a whole ton of kidney stones,” he said. “I warned him when he started swapping out a few cups of tea for water, but he didn’t listen, and you know what happened him to him next? Diabetes. Just to goes to show how much of that high fructose corn syrup the body needs to keep running at its best.”
Joe Martin, who received a sample six-pack from the company, spoke glowingly of the beverage’s altered fit for “athletes in their prime.”
“It’s great,” he said, spraying some into his mouth and then along his neckline. “I can have it conveniently on-hand when I ride my bike, take a five-mile hike, or, much more often, when I want to chug 24 ounces on the porch after mowing the lawn for six minutes. I’m planning to down a glass now to see how it helps on my run.”
As of press time, Martin was reportedly vomiting, though he referred to it as a “Turner’s detox.”
