Well, they’re closing a bunch of them JCPenney’s, so let’s hit that up for some good deals. The fuck you mean I’m saying it wrong? We’re talking about that same shitty store in the mall with all the discounts and sales, right?
It ain’t rocket science, jag: J.C. Penney is clearly the owner of this mediocre establishment — probably like the Monopoly Man with a monocle or something — and it’s even got his name on it, so the store itself is JCPenney’s. Next you’re going to try telling me Mr. Aldi don’t own the Aldi’s down on Baum Boulevard.
Actually, we should head there or would you rather go to Giant Iggles?
I don’t see what’s so funny here. How I say it? Then how you say it? “Giant,” right. “Iggles.” Well there’s more than one of them, ain’t there? You know what, forget I even mentioned it.
Anyway, on the way back let’s swing by Ace’s. Yeah, Ace’s Hardware, whose proprietor — I would assume, your grammatical majesty — is Ace. Sounds like a guy I’d buy a hammer and some pipe wrench from.
Would you stop looking at me like that?! I ain’t screwing ’round; the sink needs fixed. What the hell would I know about this “passive voice”?
Correct, it needs…fixed — end of sentence. OK, OK, sorry human dictionary: it needs repaired. You happy now?
If I-a known I was going to stand here and be insulted this whole time, I’d-a went home a long time ago. ‘Went’ — it’s the past tense of ‘go.’ I don’t understand what’s so difficult about this. Fine, I’d-a gone home. Yeesh.
Listen, Mrs. Bartowski told me fourth grade I had the voice of an angel and the finest speech this side of the Vets Bridge, so sure I say things that aren’t picture perfect, but they make sense and that’s all that matters, OK?!
Anyway, if we can’t find what we’re looking for here, we can always drive out Cranberry. I haven’t been down north in forever.
