It’s just the worst: you’re in one of the city’s hottest neighborhoods, idly protesting a horrific cycle of unchecked police brutality, when BOOM — you realize in the middle of being attacked by a chemical weapon outlawed in the Geneva Convention that you haven’t eaten ALL DAY.
Then you do a Google search after wondering why, oh why people sworn to protect and serve the community would mindlessly target civilians and it’s like, how the heck do I choose from so many good spots or make it stop feeling like my eyes have been tossed into a toxic inferno? Luckily, we’re here to help!
1. Patron
This Mexican spot on South Highland features a classic, radiant color scheme that’d surely love if not still nearly blind from exposure to something they literally aren’t even supposed to use in war anymore.
If you’re feeling ravenous, and not nauseous from immense levels of agonizing pain, you can try to take down a battery of hard-shell tacos. Whatever you get, be sure to order the spicy tomatillo sauce that will have you saying, “Wow, what burns more, my tongue or the entire remainder of my face?”
2. Fire Side Public House
This joint is tucked over on Broad Street, with a dim, soothing decor that’ll go great with your lasting inability to look directly into light.
The burgers are always a scrumptious go-to option, not to mention some yummy apps, and the extensive beer list will give you an ideal excuse to pretend you’re thinking while trying to figure out why the city is publicly laying blame on a “splinter group” and yet the officers seemed to treat every protester and bystander with indiscriminate hostility!
3. Sunoco
This gas station chain on North Negley serves as the perfect alternative if you’re feeling too ill to eat after seeing what amounts to a publicly funded local military prioritizing private property over the citizens who are asked to support it unconditionally. A bag of Cheetos will keep your mouth filled so you don’t explode in your friend’s car on the ride back home.
Like this article? Be sure to check back in for our next list where we reveal three Applebee’s locations you really have to demand a refund from after being asked to wear a mask.
