HAYS — “Community hero” Kevin Wilson punched through a car window yesterday to rescue a 30-pack of Iron City left in the backseat that would’ve otherwise turned “so warm you might only be able to stomach three or four of them,” according to sources hoping to pass a local ordinance to ensure it doesn’t happen again.
“Like everybody in this town, Mr. Wilson clearly don’t stand for such negligence,” said bystander Mark Stabler. “Most people would argue that it ain’t none of their business how people treat their beer or that beer don’t [sic] deserve the same respect as living creatures, but not him. Just goes to show some of us around here were raised right.”
Sabrina Bair witnessed Wilson’s act first-hand and commended him on his swift course of action.
“He bravely smashed that window without even thinking twice or asking whose vehicle it was,” she said, quickly noting that she only leaves her beer in the car with the A/C running and a bag of ice on top of it. “It’s easy to question yourself, that maybe it’s only a bunch of empty road beers or that’s only been sitting in there for a few minutes. When you think about it, though, what good is private property like a car when we’re hurting those pilsners we love?”
For his part, Wilson claimed he was merely “acting on instinct.”
“I learned from a young age to stand up to this kind of stuff,” he said. “So it was like second nature for me to shatter that window, grab the case, and remove the Flyers decal all in one swoop. Mind you, I didn’t care much for the baby lying on the hood of the car one over either, but I was already double-fisting beers to ensure they didn’t require an emergency cooler, and I’m unfortunately only one man.”
The event has reportedly created a swell of hypervigilance in the area, evidenced by a couple facing charges today after their toddler was discovered alone in the park wearing what appeared to be a Browns jersey.
