MYRTLE BEACH, S.C. — Myrtle Beach’s emergence as a COVID-19 hot spot has rendered the annual Sarcinelli family vacation “even more life-threatening than usual,” sources riding a go-kart blindfolded with a case of Keystone Light confirm.
“We just hope we can keep everyone safe,” said Jason Sarcinelli, 51, watching members of the family draft a bracket for the “bottle rocket duel.” “We’re confident the human chain will get my brother Eddie out whenever he tries to outswim a riptide with a Mike’s Hard taped to each hand, but this virus thing really ups the ante of the yearly money pool to see who can steal the most sips of beer at the bar.”
Arman Sarcinelli, 29, explained some of the adjustments the group of 18 had to make for this year’s trip.
“First is no sharing flasks if you’re driving in the dune buggy race; everybody gets their own,” he said. “The real X factor are cousins Tina and Tommy: both are fresh off a relationship and neither is going to like the new rule where they have to leave Oz’s nightclub after either five hours or making out with five strangers — whichever comes first.”
He expressed disappointment at the government’s “insufficient, dumb-as-shit” response to the virus outbreak.
“In these situations, you expect your tax money to go to work,” he said. “Take the Coast Guard: every year, somebody decides to go boogie-boarding at night after chugging vodka, and every year they’re there, flying a helicopter overhead to ladder them out. They even gave us a hotline to call ahead of time. Yet our country refuses to provide enough funding and accessibility to testing to help protect its nation’s most fun-loving, vacationing party animals. That’s just irresponsible.”
As of press time, 57-year-old Mike Sarcinelli had reportedly refused another offer of sunscreen, suggesting the pandemic-causing virus and the incredibly hot red glow of his skin “ain’t nothing to worry about.”
