CARNEGIE — Despite a recent uptick in COVID-19 cases in Allegheny County, local man Paul Wright continues to refuse to wear a mask in public because he believes it makes him look stupid, the 34-year-old confirmed today while lounging in a child’s pool in his “absolute favorite” ‘Drink Up Yinz Bitches’ cutoff.
“A guy’s got to have some dignity,” he said, burping loudly as ham BBQ fell onto his beard and chest. “No chick in line at Giant Eagle wants to hear about the ‘Fuck Cleveland’ tail wing you got installed on your Chevy Cobalt if you’re wearing one of them dumb masks — even if you blasted your calves and biceps all spring to look extra good in them jorts and ‘Where Was Ray Lewis When Joey Porter Got Shot?’ t-shirt. At some point, you’ve got to take a look in the mirror and decide to start respecting yourself.”
As of press time, Wright had reportedly transitioned inside to grab food after completing his 14th beer, convinced hunger was making him “feel a bit woozy.”
