INDIANA, Penn. — Leaders at the IUP chapter of Phi Alpha Kappa released a stringent list of measures this morning aimed at protecting minors getting jungle juice at a party from Covid-19, sources yelling “Chug! Chug! Chug!” at a teenage freshman report.
“Gentlebros and smoke shows of IUP,” remarked chapter president Bryce Ford in a video statement the Greek house shared on its social media. “In these uncertain a-f times, community leaders like us have to help potential pledges and total babes who just want to get so crunk they don’t know their own name — safely. These new rules might not seem very chill, but we finna get this shit on lock or else we’re putting the Halloween Whip-It Olympics, Booty Bash 2021, and every other event we hold dear in peril.”
Senior brother Riley James highlighted some of the precautions he considered most crucial.
“First and foremost,” he said, emphasizing each syllable with a strike of the fist against his “I don’t eat pussy because it doesn’t have enough protein” shirt, “you need a new cup every time you fill up. Doesn’t matter if that kid possibly vomiting blood in the corner just finished his third helping just a minute ago — we don’t want them germs, bro. To that end, we’ll also be using large volumes of grain alcohol hopefully to kill off some of the bad stuff and, you know, get super litty.”
“Real talk, though,” he added quickly, “if you sick at a party, then take that shit outside; we don’ t have time to deal with buzzkills with all these new procedures.”
As of press time, brothers in the chapter were reportedly expressing their dismay with Ford over the order to wear a mask during sex, “even when going raw dog.”
