ROSS TOWNSHIP — Pittsburgh-based “financial whiz” Drew McCarthy’s only suggestion to clients has been to “invest” in numerous plays of his wife’s birthday in the Pennsylvania Lottery PICK 4 drawing, frustrated sources with beer spilled all over printouts of their 401k projections confirm.
“When Mr. McCarthy told me he’d draft up some ‘dynamic fiscal stratagems,'” said Pine resident and client Michelle Baylor, “I expected exhaustive research of foreign markets and risk assessment, not four digits written on notebook paper because that’s when ‘the warden’ was born. Then he has the audacity to charge us for ‘additional servicing’ after realizing he had the phone number of his buddy who gets him free cable written on the back.”
McCarthy defended the hereto poor performance of his proposal.
“Listen, investing is a game of patience,” said McCarthy, who hasn’t won this particular lottery drawing since 1991. “Yeah, these numbers have been on a cold streak for like, 20 years, but that’s exactly why you want to get on board now before they catch fire again. If a number ain’t come up in a while, then it’s basically guaranteed to turn up sooner than later — that’s just how probability works, people.”
McCarthy ultimately expressed confidence in his decidedly singular financial approach.
“Sure, I may be down six grand overall today,” he said, “but if you don’t believe in my foolproof methodology, then don’t be calling me tomorrow when these bad boys hit and I’m only down about four grand. You can still call me for some hot NFL betting tips, though — $10 for a limited time.”
As of press time, McCarthy was reportedly imploring another couple to consider significant lifestyle changes to ensure they could retire with at least $1 million in scratch-offs.
