MECHANICSBURG — Despite virus concerns, local dad Bill Meyers petitioned the PIAA yesterday to follow through with the state’s high school football schedule as planned for fear that canceling the season would deny kids a year of brain injuries “that would last a lifetime,” according to sources currently demanding his freshman son start at varsity QB.
“These boys deserve to face challenges that turn them into men,” he said. “Men who aren’t scared when they can’t remember the name of their loved ones because they’ve already looked blunt force head trauma in the eye and refused to let it stop them from scoring on a two-yard rush in a 31-7 losing effort. This so-called virus is no excuse to steal moments they’d otherwise carry with them forever — especially with the random speech impediment they’ll develop after get blown up in practice by a 230-pound senior.”
Meyer then made a personally emotional appeal for the “irreversible damage” a year of no high school football could cause.
“My son shouldn’t have to tell my grandchildren about how he rode out the pandemic on XBox Live,” he said, slamming his fist. “He should regale them with stories he vaguely recalls the team’s trainer explaining to him while he identifies how many fingers he’s holding up. In short, I don’t want my son looking back on 2020 as a year lost, but instead one where he got his first letterman jacket, threw 40 TDs thanks to my very direct tutelage, and defied medical experts’ 5% prognosis that he would ever be able to read again.”
Meyers’ son, Will Jr., expressed less enthusiasm.
“I guess it’d be nice to say I played,” he said, hesitantly starting another set of bicep curls his father insisted he video-tape for a recruitment montage. “At the same time, I wish he’d let me get these headaches looked at first instead of telling me ‘chicks dig short-term memory loss.’ Maybe they do, but I’d like to avoid last year’s fiasco where I rode the other team’s bus back and the opposing coach had to drive me home.”
As of press time, Meyers was reportedly drafting a follow-up plea to cancel all sports “indefinitely,” after hearing his son intended to try out for soccer instead.
