The PIAA’s announcement to carry on with its fall sports schedule as planned has excited residents throughout the Greater Pittsburgh Area. In the current environment, however, it’ll be hard for parents to interact in ways that feel meaningful. That’s why we’ve tested three popular video call apps to let you know how you might best tell your kid’s fall sports coach that they’re a useless sack of shit who couldn’t tell their ass from a hole in the ground.
The Classic: Skype
Microsoft’s Skype is the most traditional means for berating your kid’s coach and insisting they don’t deserve a single cent of the $2000 stipend they get for at least several hundreds of hours of work.
While that might make it seem ideal, the layout and requirement of a Microsoft account can give the coach an easy out to avoid your calls, so your rage-induced efforts are best directed elsewhere.
Most Convenient: Google Hangouts
Nearly everybody has a Google account, on the other hand, including the coach you send essay-length e-mails after every game to explain how, exactly, they should have done every single thing differently, making Hangouts an easy option for all parties, willing or not.
On the downside, the app has fewer options for personalized settings and call optimization, meaning there could be slowdown when sharing video to complement your direct commentary.
The New Guy: Zoom
Founded in 2011, Zoom is now a major competitor for demanding your kid get more playing time via video.
Most appealing is the control you have as the meeting leader, regular security updates and protocol ensuring that the parents’ of a good-for-nothing window-licking kid whose ahead of yours on the depth chart can’t barge in and demand you be ‘reasonable.’ The ability to annotate screens also means you can illustrate the way the offense is supposed to be run instead of just screaming it and gesturing wildly with your hands.
The biggest drawback by far is the 40-minute time limit for free users. This restriction can be a huge hassle when you’re in the middle of a tirade about how you played one season of D3 college sports and, if not for an untimely injury, academic failure, and some bullshit politics, were likely to hop on pro somewhere, only to have the meeting end abruptly right before you were about to unleash an empty threat to go to the school board.
The Winner: Unannounced Visits to Their House
Listen, video is nice and all, but nothing will lend your ultimatums and insults more gravity than showing to the coach’s house without warning and yelling at them from the driveway as they attempt to get ready for work or eat dinner.
So what if it’s a global pandemic? It’s that kind of fearful play-calling that got them in this mess to begin with?
