SHARPSBURG — Local therapist Sabrina Donovan advised a new client yesterday to “quit pushing all [their] problems on friends, family, and coworkers” and instead attribute fault exclusively to Steelers coach Mike Tomlin, according to relieved sources.
“I was worried she’d tell me to take accountability for my actions,” said client Paul Carries. “You know, like passing out shitfaced on Thanksgiving before kickoff, or scarring my kids emotionally by suggesting every problem be solved by acts violence. Luckily, unlike them stupid courted-appointed therapists, she identified exactly where my real issues stem from: my favorite football team’s long-tenured coach.”
“Tell you what,” he added. “Judge Roberts ain’t going to know what to say after realizing these so-called ‘disturbing psychiatric evaluations’ are really the result of poor time management and not going for it enough on fourth down.”
Some of Donovan’s other clients appeared less enthusiastic, however.
“While I appreciated her uniquely local approach,” said Darren Lydon, struggling to finish her mindfulness exercise of sending a barrage of “cathartic” tweets to various Pittsburgh sports personalities, “I’m pretty sure inferior field position strategy has little to do with losing my best friend to a car accident. Considering I’m paying out of pocket, I’m kind of hoping we also do more next week than discuss ideal replacements and finding our zen by chanting ‘Jesse James caught that ball’ over and over.”
Donovan defended her Tomlin Blame Displacement Therapy (TBDT) methods.
“Clients don’t realize how they internalize and then re-enact trauma,” she said, setting yet another cigarette on the ashtray. “When you charge a stranger at the bar for looking at you funny, that’s the trauma of sloppy tackling in the secondary. When you ignore the needs of your family, that’s the trauma of ignoring the play-action pass. It’s time these folks see these behaviors aren’t forged from childhood tragedies or near-death experiences, but rather years of incompetence on the Steelers sideline.”
As of press time, sources say Donovan was insisting a new client “stop wasting time” reconnecting with her estranged sister and instead solve the real problem of how to get Marc-Andre Fleury “back between the pipes of life…and the Penguins.”
