STOWE TOWNSHIP — Local man George Rowe reportedly instructed his son yesterday on how to “hit the 57” of a glass Heinz bottle to stimulate the flow of ketchup with the wisdom and reverence of a master swordsman teaching a plucky youth destined for greatness the way of the blade.
“The boy must see that the glass bottle is to be wielded not with raw strength, but expert technique,” he said, having provided his son an empty “practice bottle” to start with. “True handlers of the Great Red realize that it is a bond forged where your hand and the glass act in unison. Those brutes who attempt to smack the bottle into submission are frauds: they care not for the latent beauty of the condiment’s power, but merely its ability to destroy the taste of their palate’s enemies.”
As of press time, however, sources say Rowe admitted he was unable to aid his son in acquiring the “dark arts” of eighth-grade math.
