GREEN TREE — KDKA Radio Morning Show host Larry Richert has faced difficulty meeting the station’s request that he “squeeze a little” QAnon talking point into his live reads for King’s Family Restaurants to make up for missing content from since-fired Wendy Bell, according to sources unsure how to segue from purported pedophilia rings to chicken noodle soup.
“Oh boy,” said Richert on yesterday’s broadcast, skimming a heavily marked sheet with ideas how to transition from King’s signature Frownie Brownie to “Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s ties to an underground Stalinist group tasked with reviving the USSR, led by Tom Hanks.” “I can’t imagine the King’s people would appreciate my associating their early bird specials with the ‘lizard people running Twitter,’ either. I was kind of hoping this would all blow over once I agreed to rename my on-air persona Larry ‘A-15’ Ditch-Digger, Alpha Truther and Football Gambino.”
Station executives, who removed John Shumway from the show for being “too nice,” expressed a willingness to be patient with Richert’s adherence to the new programming direction.
“Larry’s dedicated his life to this station,” said company spokesperson Michelle Weiser. “That’s why we’re fine giving him space to become the wild speculation-circulating, borderline violence-sparking everyman we know he can be. You know, a few fake big rig noises and heavy-handed comments regarding ‘Oberführer Wolf’ today and, before you know it, he’ll be seamlessly bouncing between McGuire Memorial ads and the use of fluoride to disseminate nanomachines among the public to manipulate them into supporting Universal Healthcare like he were running a podcast from his basement.”
As of press time, fellow KDKA host Marty Griffin reportedly faced similar struggles fulfilling the station’s wish to make himself, “in literally any way whatsoever,” likable.
