2020 Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders “sincerely regrets” refusing a escort through the Fort Pitt Tunnel to commiserate with the struggles of “everyday Pittsburghers,” the frustrated 77-year-old reported from his second hour in Parkway West traffic on his way to a get-out-and-vote event this morning.”
“Come on, Bernie, you’re a senior senator — people will understand!” Sanders argued to himself, moving his feet to an Iron Maiden track on WDVE. “You could’ve taken 79 and come into the town the other way, but no, no, no: ‘common man’ Bernie just has to subject himself to one of the nation’s worst corridors, and now ‘common man’ Bernie is stuck in hours of bullshit rain and Pitt football traffic.”
Sanders continued to question the effectiveness of his populist tactics when compounded with his current predicament.
“Are the people of Pittsburgh really going to find your words more moving because you decided it was worth declining a little help to sit behind this godforsaken lady in a minivan who has changed lanes seven times now like it makes a difference?” he asked loudly. “No, of course not. They’re going to think you’re an idiot for intentionally bypassing the Green Tree exit where you could’ve skipped this shit via Carnahan. Way to go, jackass.”
According to Sanders’ staff, he still insists on “suffering among the people,” having decided willingly to drink a glass of the city’s water.
