NORTH SIDE — Former Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl once again voted for himself as a write-in candidate on every ballot in today’s general elections, according to polling place sources who insisted he didn’t have to keep telling anybody nearby.
“He barged in this morning, wooing at the top of his lungs,” said local election volunteer Nancy Sherman, who claimed that Ravenstahl refused to approach the voting machine until she gave him an acceptably enthused high-five. “He told us to keep his presence ‘on the down low’ like people were going to swarm him for an autograph, but then he wouldn’t stop shooting finger guns at anyone who passed by and yelling ‘That’s one vote for your boy Luke!’ every time he made a selection.”
Speculation has endured since the end of Ravenstahl’s term as Mayor in 2014 whether he would consider returning to politics. Despite not being an official candidate on any ballot, he reportedly made several statements that suggested a sincere belief he could win.
“This is the year, Luke; this is the year you get back on top, baby,” several witnesses reported overhearing Ravenstahl say between disparaging remarks aimed at official candidates’ physical appearance and presumed lack of athleticism. Moreover, he allegedly promised several voters that, “once elected president,” he would champion “real reform” to ensure that bars and clubs be allowed to stay open later than 2 a.m.
While the behavior was unusual, voters who shared the polls with Ravenstahl admired his gusto.
“He certainly wasn’t shy,” said voter Bobby Warner. “After he was done at the machine, he pulled a Sharpie out of his pocket and added ‘for Luke motherfucking Ravenstahl’ to the ‘I Voted Today’ sticker they gave him. In fact, by the time they wrestled the rest of the stickers off him, he had already jotted down #MayorLukeForLife on half of them. The guy sure wants to win — and give some solid high-fives, too. My hand is still sore.”
As of press time, sources reported that Ravenstahl was spearheading a “last-minute grassroots” referendum to get him bottle service at McFadden’s.
