SCHENLEY PARK — Employees at the Schenley ice rink’s skate rental desk have undergone a fact-checking mission to determine if local eighth-grader Kyle Carmichael does in fact require a massive, sized-14 pair of skates despite standing at only 5’1″, according to sources staring decidedly at the 7.5 Adidas tennis shoes he placed on the counter prior to the request.
Sources say on-site associate Marie Ross quickly red-flagged the teenager’s claim, starting a careful probe of the request with the reminder that “skates tend to run a little big, so maybe best to start off with something smaller.”
Reports from several witnesses verify, however, that Carmichael appeared prepared for the skepticism, as he hurried to rebuff the challenge with assertions that he has “an absolutely massive dong.”
As of press time, paramedics were on the scene to help Carmichael’s friend, who had broken his ankles after also insisting upon inordinately large skates. The fellow 14-year-old allegedly tolerated the gruesome injury with minimal reaction until first responders ensured him that the two girls he came with had left, at which point he began furiously screaming for his mother.
