I don’t care if people think this is “offensive.” I couldn’t care less if I’m not being “politically correct” or “inclusive.” After this turd-swirl of a year, it is time to put the “Christ” back in “Christ, Bowser Automotive has some amazing holiday deals” already.
Pittsburgh isn’t some liberal, delicious-taco-truck-on-every-corner socialist city. We work hard, we play hard, and we wait to replace our 1994 Oldsmobile Eighty-Eights until we get that perfect deal around Christmas time. For fuck’s sake, it’s capitalism at his finest. The invisible hand of the free market is sensually running its hand over the premium cloth seat trim of this 2021 GMC Terrain SLE as we speak.
I’m worried that the younger generations are losing sight of the true meaning of Christmas. It’s not about going viral on TikTok, or volunteering at some homeless shelter. It’s about rolling up to your local car dealership with the ecstasy of unbridled avarice. You’re going to save money on this purchase that you can put towards your kids’ education. Or beer. Probably beer.
I’ll be damned if I let some snowflake-ass liberals infringe on my right to lose my shit at the 0% APR Bowser offers on select Subaru models. How can you not invoke the name of Our Lord & Savior when you hear the Good News of a discount like that?
But some people get oh-so-hurt when you let your true God-given American attitude through. Just wait until I roll up to the savings being offered at Bowser Automotive, minutes from the mall (in the other direction). I’ll be shouting so many blasphemies and epithets, I’ll need an exorcism. I’ll trade in my Oldsmobile and my soul!
So if you dare greet me this blessed season with a tip of your hat and wish me a “Happy Toyotathon” like some non-denominational wuss, I’m gonna slap you sideways screaming, “Christ! How will Bowser Automotive recover from these goddamned bargains?”
(Article by John Danek @jjdanek)
