By Owner and Patriot, John R. Block
E
very few years, I make no little effort to convince myself that this hapless bastard we’ve so generously nicknamed ‘voting’ is a blessing, even if only to placate every odious lemming who mills aimlessly about, costing a hard-working oligarch charitable enough to employ the layabout a precious sixpence and himself any modicum of gratuity as I’m forced to suffer the indignity of heating some broth while my DoorDash order grows cold in the, no doubt, dungeon of his passenger seat.
Then how do these urchins reciprocate the acts of goodwill we extend them? With demands. Petty, spiteful demands that we “recognize the will of the people.” Utter drivel and hogwash! It reeks of the entitlement I expect from the local rags under my watch that somehow endure despite my best designs to drive them into dysfunction. Why should I be lampooned into becoming social bedfellows with these unsavory masses? I’m rich!
In light of these startling events, the Editorial Board of this publication endeavors to happily endorse the complete, irreversible eradication of this pathetic participation trophy we call democracy, locally and throughout the reaches of these United States.
Is it fair or just? What need I of the peasantry’s verbiage? Was it fair or just when I braved an entire week during which the refuse lingered at the base of my estate? Is it fair or just that, after a mere decade, the castaways in the offices I oversee suggest I pay them more?
The Board commends efforts in state government to rid us of this egalitarian dystopia once and for all by flouting reason, order, and equity to achieve it. Now that is a proper lesson to the unsightly idlers crowding our streets on how to get things done.
Lastly, the Board wishes the best to our intrepid leader who shall surely reign supreme, were it not for this fraudulent, decrepit bedrock of representation, upon which we foolishly try to run this country. God Bless America — at least those of you whom I believe deserve it.
