NORTH SHORE — Steelers fans remained cautiously optimistic this morning as NFL insiders have reported that the team is considered the front runner to sign former JV standout linebacker AJ Watt, amateur flag football backup kicker Stuart Watt, and former “refreshment manager” and Kenosha, WI hot dog-eating champion Bubba Watt, all of whom share a distant relation to the NFL’s Watt brothers.
“After we sign JJ, this’ll just be icing on the cake,” said self-described “super fan and basically industry expert” Ralph Walker. “Who needs a functioning a quarterback or revamped offensive line when you’ve got a six-pack of pure Watt power running your team? I imagine they’ll let the boys take turns behind center until they find a family member who plays quarterback regularly.”
“The bigger concern,” Walker added, “is whether I get AJ’s or Bubba’s jersey, so I’m going to play it safe and just buy both.”
Steelers GM Kevin Colbert declined to confirm league-wide speculation about the team’s odds, but he did confirm their pursuit of the trio and revealed elements of the process.
“As you know, the Steelers spare no expense to stay on top,” he said in a video press conference. “We’ve cross-checked birth certificates with county records, regularly communicated with TJ at all hours of the night, and consulted three independent genealogy sites to ensure these guys are the genuine article. Believe me when I say, we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they’ve got the bloodline and namesake it takes to win in the NFL — in fact, Ancestry.com stakes its good name on it.”
Team president Art Rooney II built upon the sentiments expressed by Colbert.
“We’ve got the best fans in the NFL, and they deserve only the best jersey sale-grossing and publicity-friendly signings money can buy,” he said. “I assure you, we fully intend to get these premier athletes in the black and gold no matter how big the signing bonus or, in Bubba’s case, how many trays of loaded nachos it costs us. While we ramp up for our roster upgrade, we encourage our fans in the meantime to visit Steelers.com and enter promo code ‘GIGAWATT’ to get 5% off a purchase of four Watt jerseys or more.”
As of press time, the organization has reportedly started enforcing a limit of 12 per customer.
