GREENFIELD — City-issued signs informed Frank Street residents with no prior warning this morning that Pittsburgh Water & Sewer Authority may require access to their usual on-street parking spots for repair work over the next two to 7,914 weeks, sources asking if they could squeeze their sedan in a buddy’s extra parking pad space for the next 151 years confirm.
“My spot in front of the fire hydrant is the one of the best,” said affected resident Robert Bish, admiring his new spot parked on the wrong side of the road near a limited-visibility turn. “I get if they need it for a century or two, but they could’ve at least had the good sense to send us a letter or put out a warning chair. It’s decency 101, people.”
The sudden requisition of his spot has forced the 51-year-old to consider his future.
“They usually don’t start work until 7 a.m., so I guess I’ll just move it every morning until then,” he said. “I do plan to move to Bradenton at 70, though, so better put it in my will now. Last thing I want to do is hassle (next-door neighbors) Nancy and Will to move it after I’ve moved or passed on for another four decades or so until they croak, too.”
PWSA representatives explained why the work had such a broad timeline.
“Sometimes, things go great and we get an underground project done in three days,” said PWSA project manager Cynthia Miller. “Other times, it rains like an hour or two more than we thought, a guy gets back from 7-11 ten or so minutes late, or we just plain forget about a job, and that could add as much as a few days to several thousand weeks to the initial estimate — easy. We understand the hardship this may cause local homeowners, so we have measures in place to completely space out on their bill at least 100-200 times over the course of the next 50 years.”
In response to the news, international giant Nestle offered to take over the city’s water distribution with promises that “such a disruption would never happen again” by re-routing homes’ sewer lines directly back into their water source for the “incredible price” of $129 month*.
(*Editor’s note: Nestle representatives have clarified this price is an introductory offer and expires after 12 minutes, costing $249 a month from then on.)
