SOUTH SIDE FLATS — 1,271-year-old leprechaun Donegal O’Shannassey, whose stature resembles that of a normal human due to gigantism, “has had enough” of heavily intoxicated St. Paddy’s revelers mistaking him for a fellow partier refusing to break character, according to sources insisting they would prefer to be left alone over an Irish Car Bomb.
“Aye, another year of suffering among this staggering collection of imbeciles,” said O’Shannassey, groaning as a 20-something patron in a “Fuck Me, I’m Irish” shirt posed with him for a selfie. “My kind is known for saying, ‘Don’t break your shin on a stool that’s not in your way,’ but I might break a glass in a human’s fucking face if they ask one more time about my ‘Lucky Charms.’ Suppose this is why Santa recommended I go out in a hoodie.”
The creature lamented that the holiday’s tendency for excess nullifies what makes his presence a worthwhile experience.
“In the old days, everybody had a charming tale about some wee craic they had with Donegal one March afternoon,” it said. “Now when I try to pull a harmless practical joke, some hare-brained, blithering meat sack nicknamed Dump Truck tries to pummel me into dust. Besides, how am I supposed to stir up mischief when I just watched a lad clog the bathroom sinks with paper towels and then vomit in each one of them? Mary and Joseph, I’m an eons-old prankster, not a monster.”
Several celebrants have complimented the ageless being’s demeanor and appearance, which they’ve mistaken for a carefully orchestrated act.
“That dude’s commitment is epic,” said bargoer Pete Haddad, oblivious that he was asking a millennium-old supernatural lifeform if it wanted a shot of Fireball. “He must’ve had to practice that voice for hours: I knocked him out a couple hours back with a rear naked choke and when he came to, he started cursing in, like, Yiddish or whatever without missing a beat. I’m still not convinced it isn’t my buddy Kevin, though.”
As of press time, sources report that O’Shannassey is hurriedly chugging a pint after a group of young men announced they plan to honor it with 39 consecutive jukebox plays of the “traditional Irish classic” ’Shipping Off to Boston’ by the Dropkick Murphys. ♣
