HAYS — Local “kink” Paul Hammerschmidt refuses to perform oral sex on a partner’s anal cavity with any aid other than Heinz ketchup, according to sources “absolutely disgusted” by the notion of using an alternative brand or condiment.
“You’ve got to have some self-respect,” he said, noting he’s “always happy to go to brown town” if the other person shows even mild interest in the act. “Just because sex can get dirty doesn’t mean you should debase yourself with an inferior, watery off-brand ketchup or, even worse, mustard. Yuck. You best believe when I’m ready to chow down on a hunk of butt, I’ll be smothering that bad boy in the tomato elixir that is Heinz. To use anything else would be…gross.”
The 36-year-old insisted that opting for a cheaper, or more traditional, foodstuff could have unforeseen consequences in the sexual experience.
“Imagine your munching away,” he said, making a series of gestures and noises to demonstrate, “and then your worst nightmare comes to life: you get a taste of that foul, dreaded excessive vinegar they put in garbage like Hunt’s. You start gagging, they get self-conscious — the whole moment is ruined, all because you cared more about saving a couple bucks than finding the perfect complement to your partner’s rear-facing gold mine.”
“I mean, come on, people,” he added. “Have a little decency.”
As of press time, the normally “explorative” Hammerschmidt was reportedly canceling a planned rendezvous after discovering the woman’s “unconscionable” preference for boofing Coke over Pepsi.
