LAUSANNE, Switzerland — The International Olympic Committee approved a new event this morning where competitors will have to heave a single reusable bag over their head full of every item you bought from your recent visit to the Strip, according to sources excited to “push the limits of human strength.”
“We’ve seen these incredible athletes train with everything imaginable,” said IOC president Thomas Bach. “Boulders, wooden beams, large pipes — you name it. Never before, though, have they faced the challenge of hauling an entire week’s worth of groceries, four shirts, three hats, a couple candles, an atomic pepperoni roll, and a framed 1952 portrait of Pittsburgh signed by Jack Ham all stuffed precariously into one plastic reusable bag provided by Comcast.”
Bach said the Committee has discussed additional events utilizing the bag that will test more than athletes’ raw strength.
“Some of the events would demand more finesse,” he said. “We’re very much looking forward to the variety of techniques competitors will try on the strapless event, where both handholds are still attached to the bag but otherwise ripped in half. Moreover, we are quite pleased with the focus on quick, smooth movements in the ‘multi-tasker’ event, as athletes must constantly transfer the bag from one holding position to another while they sip on cold brew coffee, get a debit card out of their wallet, take a call from their partner, and then fish the keys out of their pocket only to realize the car remote isn’t working so they must manually unlock the door.”
Bag-carrying expert Bill McCloskey, 51, compared carrying a larger, single bag differs from more traditional methods.
“Back in the paper day, me and the boys was [sic] lugging those sons-a-bitches with no straps up and down them busted up concrete steps outside Phil’s house. Then plastic came in and it all became a balancing act. We used to do something called the ‘Christ carry’ where we’d stretch out like a cross and load up each arm with as much as we could handle.
“Now, with the single bag, you got more sureness in your hands, but the weight distribution is a complete crapshoot: if you’ve got a watermelon from the discount produce market pushing up front without any beef cuts from Wholey’s to counter it, you might topple right over, so these folks best be careful.”
As of press time, sources say the IOC has halted tests on other variations after several injuries were sustained during the “jaywalking across Penn” version of the event.
