SHADYSIDE — Calling it “the next big thing,” local fashion company Three Rivers Fash-Yinz unveiled their latest line of shirts this morning, which appeared nearly identical to double-XL giveaway T-shirt provided at professional sporting events.
“Ain’t nothing like the oversized handout tees of yesteryear to be looking super hot and chic on your way down Jack’s,” said company founder Connie Woodruff, grimacing as she sniffed one of the shirts lying nearby. “That’s why we’ve assembled this finely curated, limited-edition selection, mainly from a couple yard sales I drove by and the attic of buddy’s dead grandpa. Talk about vintage — you can still smell the jalapeno juice on this, er, model.”
Loyal company customer Deb Plocki appreciated the release’s attention to detail.
“No two shirts are the same,” she said, looking through her online cart where she had already placed five models. “Do you want one sponsored by Comcast, Verizon, or PNC Bank? Do you want a trendy splotch of nacho cheese residue or artsy flecks of cheap house paint? The choice is yours, and best of all you know they always gonna fit.”
“Plus, you don’t even gotta wear pants,” she added.
Woodruff encouraged shoppers to buy them fast due to the rarity of the line’s origin.
“You literally ain’t gonna find this stuff nowhere else because I had a few of them shirts and they don’t last for shit,” she said. “Except, of course, in the minds of some jags eyeing you up from the bar, so get a few today and they’ll be fighting over who’s gonna buy your next Michelob and well tequila in no time.”
In response to high demand, Woodruff said she intends to issue an extended release once she has “resolved some logistical issues with the supply chain,” meaning her brother picks up the phone or Goodwill is still open.
