WEXFORD – Lifetime suburbanite Patrick Faust felt “completely heartbroken” yesterday due to unsubstantiated, speculative claims about the city of Pittsburgh where he has neither lived nor visited more than twice in a calendar year.
“Pittsburgh is like Mad Max come to life,” he said, noting that’s why he he’s only returned once since a Steelers game in 2014. “Can barely get around, what, with the bike people swinging their tire irons and chains at defenseless drivers. Besides, who can say with a straight face that any town without a Buffalo Wild Wings is worth staying in?”
“Now Wexford,” he added, “is a nice place where you can live – Hey, dickwad! I just watered that grass, so keep your little shit hands off it. I don’t care if you just fell off your bike, kid; teach you next time to fall on your own goddamn property! – in peace.”
Faust then escalated his spurious suggestions of an “unlivable” environment.
“I heard on the news you can’t even walk around the Strip anymore unless you know the Antifas’ [sic] secret salute,” he said, nodding towards barstool neighbor Frank, who was “pretty sure” he’d seen evidence of this development “on one of them channels.” “Not that it matters, anyway: no reason to go to Wholey’s now that all the hipsters canceled meat.”
Faust’s daughter Christina has resided in town since college, but it has yet to increase the frequency of her father’s visits.
“I figured he’d be able to handle my grad dinner at Mad Mex of all places,” she said, sighing loudly. “We only made it through one drink before we found him running the door and refusing people entry because they looked like ‘purse-snatchers and pickpockets.’ Now he just calls to tell me something he read about the city on the internet and keeps saying ‘To hell in a handbasket’ over and over until I hang up.”
As of press time, Faust was reportedly offering to send his daughter $10,000 to “save [her] from the miserable deathtrap full of creeps,” also known as a bus.
