WEST MIFFLIN – Local man Bill Fischer appeared in yesterday’s episode of popular MTV program ‘Cribs’ to show off his “lavish penthouse” highlighted by its three bedrooms, basement toilet, and numerous standalone air conditioning units occupying virtually every window of the house.
“You feel that, chief?” Fischer asked during the broadcast, awkwardly crossing his arms and trying to flex subtly at the producer’s direction to “strike a pose.” “That ain’t your everyday array of a dozen box fans or your buddy putting his thumb over the end of the hose to give your back the powerwash effect – nah, that’s $1150 a month of the 68-degree high life right there. It’s air just like a good Catholic God intended.”
“Also,” he added, directing the crew to the corner of his living room, “there’s the beer fridge with a 12-pack of High Lifes if yinz want one. Don’t be shy; one at work ain’t gonna hurt you.”
Fischer addressed presumed downsides to his expansive climate control setup.
“You can tell people haven’t enjoyed luxury like this,” he said, “when they yell questions like, oh, don’t you get tired of not seeing the sun or file a noise complaint because it sounds like a small jet turbine outside. All I got to do is throw a video of the beach up on the 40-incher and boom, it’s like I’m at a condo in Ocean City and I didn’t even have to spend money on gas. Anyway, I left those earmuffs I got off my brother-in-law who works at the airport for a reason, so I don’t know why they’re complaining.”
On-site producer Cassandra Woodley shared her experience working with the life-long West Miffliner.
“I thought his description of ‘an Appalachian ice palace’ meant more than having a window unit installed in the basement sandstone with a crude hole dug in the yard for exhaust,” she said, frowning. “I just can’t believe we burned so much footage on him demonstrating how he can ‘take a leak’ while still watching Sportscenter, all to impress his supposed rock star buddies. Sorry, Bill, I’m pretty Guns n’ Roses aren’t watching you cover the seat in piss as you read off game stats.”
Fischer ultimately considered his episode a success, but regretted having to gloss over the home’s “master library,” which contained “an epic shitload” of DVDs.
