BREEZEWOOD — Local father Dan Porter has terrified his wife, kids, and grandchildren on their drive to the eastern shore by making “sincere, straight-faced” threats to stop in Breezewood, Pennsylvania for an undisclosed duration, according to sources pleading that they are neither hungry nor need to use the restroom.
“The way he flatly suggested we eat at that god-awful Subway — it must be some symptom of psychosis,” said his wife Kris, who was hiding out in the back of Sac’s, looking for help. “Then when we told him it was temporarily closed, he sighed and his eyes started darting around like he was looking for somewhere else to dump bodies. I only assume he got in that massive McDonald’s drive-thru line to buy himself time.”
As of press time, the intensity of Porter’s threats have reportedly “gone up, tenfold,” after he excitedly yelled “bathroom break” while pulling up to Sheetz.
