Christmas miracles are real. Just ask the Schneider family.
Already doubting how Santa could make presents for kids around the world and deliver them all in one night, the Schneider’s four kids were understandably skeptical when their father, Doug, insisted they leave Santa an entire case of Iron City beer to “wet his whistle” during his stop in their Shaler home.
“We’ve never left more than a six-pack,” said their daughter Shelly, “but mom said it’s better than having Santa raid the liquor cabinet and eat all the Little Debbie snacks in the house, so we went with the big one…and he drank all of it! I can’t wait to tell my friends at school.”
Of course, no Christmas wonder would be complete without a message from jolly St. Nick himself.
“I think Santa really liked it,” said 12-year-old Doug Jr., announcing cheerfully that the jolly man seemed to have finished two cans of cherry Skoal while unloading presents as well. “Else I don’t think he would’ve written that four-page thank you note for us where he apologized to mom a bunch for some work Christmas party thing in 2010. It was weird, but seeing ‘Love, Dad’ scratched out six times at the end makes me think it was Santa trying to trick us.”
Mr. Schneider deflected credit for the act, claiming that “any good family man” would have done the same.
“Kids can become jaded so fast,” he said, sipping a coffee with Ryan’s Irish Cream. “Sometimes it’s important to show them there’s still magic left in this world, and if that means convincing them Santa can casually hammer 360 ounces of cheap beer in one sitting, well, dammit, I guess I’m the man for the job. The last thing I’d ever want to do is disappoint my family — or, worse yet, waste beer in the process.”
As of press time, the elder Schneider was reportedly yelling at his son to finish up in the bathroom, claiming that Santa had decided to stop back and really needs to vomit.
