FINEVIEW — A Mason Rudolph jersey received as a joke gift at a 2019 holiday party now qualifies as North Side resident Dave Grimm’s “absolutely most prized” belonging, according to sources whispering kind words to the piece of apparel for the last hour.
“Just you and me, we’ll take on the wo—is that a stain? No, no, just some fuzz. You’re OK, friend,” said Grimm before excusing himself loudly amid coughs. “I know when I got this beaut’, it was going to be a winner. Did I try to trade it to Mark for a sixer of Keystone Ice that night? Yes, I won’t deny it, but that was just out of my sense of charity for others. I, for one, never lost faith in big Mason’s abilities, and I assure you that the number of expletives you made have heard me yell over the years were aimed more at those holding him back.”
Members of Grimm’s social circle spoke uncertainly of his statements’ validity.
“For how much he claims to have always loved that thing, he sure seemed eager to re-gift over the years,” said long-time friend Paul Stafford. “It felt like a scavenger hunt: it was on the towel rack in the bathroom after our Thanksgiving get-together and hanging in our garage for a month after I let him borrow the lawnmower with a note on it like it was some sort of token of thanks.”
Grimm’s sister Shannon shared similar experiences.
“There was a whole cycle where he kept commissioning edited pictures of the jersey on me in personal pictures,” she said, shaking her head at recent photos from her brother in which he smiled while wearing the jersey. “My wedding, the birth of my son, my grad school ceremony—all of it. At least that stopped once we changed the locks. I had had enough, though, when he sincerely suggested we put on dad’s body for his viewing.”
As of press time, household sources have reported that Grimm didn’t “want to be bothered” getting a new roll of paper towels to clean up a beer spill and instead decided to wipe it up with his Erik Karlsson jersey.
