DUBLIN — Irish woman Isla Byrne is “hopelessly smitten” with “strapping, exotic, and in every way confounding” Doug Smolinski, 36, of Munhall, who is visiting the Irish capital for this Sunday’s Steelers game against the Vikings, sources trying not to make a face as the traveler adds french fries to a piece of soda bread report.
“I recall the flings with the Portuguese boy Bernardo and the Austrian lad Tobias,” said Byrne’s aunt, “so I had to make sure I had my spectacles on when she pointed out the pot-bellied fellow shouting ‘Here we go!’ in ill-fitting jeans and a sweatshirt. You love who you love, but shouldn’t a gentleman getting on in his years not need a pint of ketchup to finish a meal?”
Byrne noted the concern, but explained that the southwestern Pennsylvanian man’s quirks set him apart.
“He effortlessly tells tales of the heart,” she said with a longing stare as he pantomimed the intro to Metallica’s ‘Master of Puppets’ on air guitar. “He spins yarn about towers of steel, the hallowed fields of the family Heinz, and of rivers that run as three — one of foul and malcontent foundation from which one should wisely stay clear.”
“My knight from the good side — the south, he’s made clear — of the ‘Mawn’ [sic],” she added, laboring the last word.
As of press time, Smolinski had reportedly chosen to honor Ireland’s rich literary history by wearing his “Drink, Drank, DRUNK” t-shirt.
