NORTH SHORE—Building on the club’s off-season activity, the Pittsburgh Pirates have launched a new ticket package campaign this morning aimed at “total fucking duds who have never better to do on a Wednesday, so they’d might as well go to a baseball game,” team sources confirm.
“What are these shut-ins going to do instead?” asked the franchise’s assistant director of marketing Gina Zellers, appearing to reject possible alternatives with a brief male masturbatory gesture. “Go to trivia night? News for you, buddy: you don’t know anything because you just watch short-form videos on your couch and listen exclusively to music released between 2003 and 2009. Instead of pretending you still have enough hair to swoop, why not come to a Buccos game instead, you sack of shit?”
Pirates operations spokesperson Kevin Cooney discussed how the fresh campaign mirrors the team’s “more aggressive” tactics in the winter.
“We know Skenes games are an instant sellout and getting Griffin in the lineup is sure to help fill seats on a day-to-day basis,” he said. “But we need to be a complete program, from top to bottom, so what do you do when you’ve got a long reliever making the extra start and Jared Triolo is in the clean-up spot? Easy: you tell these nobodies that their FL Studio beats are dogshit, their Instagram art is derivative and toothless, and they’re better off spending three hours at PNC Park sucking down domestic tall boys and hand-scooping nachos cheese into their gullet.”
Cooney admitted concern that fans would balk at what he described as the team “shooting from the hip,” but some fans found the approach refreshing.
“Have the signings been the big splash that’s going to change the franchise? No, probably not,” said Ryan Fields of Bellevue. “But as the team has assured me via online newsletters and personalized DMs on social media, I’m an unlikable tool who’s terminally online and should come to a game if I think I know so much. I appreciate that candor. It shows they’re not planning to be pushovers this year and, frankly, they’re kind of got me figured out.”
As of press time, the team had also announced that Wednesday packages purchased this week would include 15 dollars loaded value “so maybe you actually have to talk to somebody” and a tiny violin.
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