TORONTO—In a position to make the postseason for the first time since 2022, the Penguins’ resurgent push for a playoff berth collapsed last night after the NHL determined Ab McDonald’s Cup-winning goal in April of 1961 was offside, forcing 26 franchises to fold immediately as the league will resume operations from 65 years ago effective tomorrow, according to sources “sorry to share, but the rules are the rules.”
“The Chicago forward clearly crossed into the offensive zone before the puck, resulting in an offside play,” announced referee Cody Beach halfway through the second period of the Senators-Oilers game. “The current contest is abandoned and will be stricken from the records. Please exit the premises immediately in an orderly fashion. The tow trucks and bulldozers will arrive within the hour. Thank you.”
Fans from various franchises around the league reported seeing giant barrel fires constructed outside of now-unaccredited venues to burn any modern merchandise. Meanwhile, online sources confirmed that the league had already altered all of its official record books, submitted take-down requests of stat aggregate sites, and have modified every reference of Wayne Gretzky as the “Great One” to “Some One.”
“Our fans want to see the rule book honored,” said commissioner Gary Bettman, who shrugged his shoulders when asked what definitively qualifies as goaltender interference. “And that means whether it’s two grown men punching each other in the face or setting the game back six-some decades, well, we intend to stand by it. Sure, it’ll take a while to bring all those dead players back to life, but rest assured our league necromancers are working around the clock until we can get this exciting final, available exclusively on WGM-AM 720, figured out.”
Media experts noted that the news “rapidly” made rounds on right-wing radio and podcasts, but quickly lost momentum after hosts and listeners realized the 65-year reversal of rules only applied to hockey.
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