MCKNIGHT ROAD—Declaring the proposed restaurant “a cesspool of villainy and another tug at the threads that maintain this beautiful experiment that is America,” Gary “Pap” Shepherd has derailed his family’s plan for a late-morning meal as he continues to point at the map of eateries verified to use Heinz products like former Senator Joseph McCarthy shouting out a list of purported communists, per sources attempting to dissuade the 71-year-old from blocking traffic to alert motorists of the matter.
“This might be worse than when the waiter at Bob Evan’s refused to call them ‘Freedom Fries,'” said the senior Shepherd’s daughter Teresa. “At least this time he’s retired, so he doesn’t have all the stuff in his work truck to spray-paint ‘Al Qaeda 2.0’ on the exterior.”
Plans for a late breakfast or early lunch at a nearby Denny’s developed earlier in the week, but reports from within the family suggest the mood became tense after an ad on the radio during the car ride.
“We’ve already managed to ruin one Thanksgiving, two children’s birthday parties, and an assortment of family get-togethers by not having Heinz in the fridge,” said son-in-law Jarrod Briggs, “so I tried to change stations before the Heinz-verified ad could finish, but Pap’s ears had already perked and minutes later I could already see the rage in his face. If he’s pissed off, fine, but I really wish he didn’t have to storm in demanding for ‘somebody who can actually speak American [English]’ to explaining they’re not on the list, only to rush to the bathroom because of his prostate and piss all the over the seat.”
As of press time, the family had reportedly agreed on a location from the map, but quickly had to pivot after Shepherd realized he had to order his meal using a QR code.
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