Kennywood Park will host its first-ever Bring Somebody Qualified to Work Day Saturday, September 8, human resources representatives and public relations staff anxiously told anybody willing to listen earlier today.
“We figured this would be a great opportunity for not only our staff, but also valued guests, random passersby — anybody, really — to bring a friend or colleague to the park. Say, one who is willing to fry potatoes and cover them in cheese for minimal compensation,” said spokesperson Nick Paradise, cycling through another batch of negative social media posts. “Or maybe somebody knows a mechanical engineer with extensive experience in amusement rides. They’re welcome, too. It’ll be fun for everybody!”
The 2018 season has been one to forget for the long-running staple, with unexpected ride closures, staffing issues, and long lines souring the experience for new and dedicated guests alike. Park employees insist, however, that the special event is an unrelated development.
“Kennywood just wants to reach out to its beloved family of staff and visitors in unique ways,” said human resources assistant manger Mikayla Hunter, who was unable to explain why she was making 2000 copies of a job application. “And we hope to be able to expand that family, maybe with somebody who wouldn’t mind whipping cotton candy for eight hours a day for a below-market wage or a marketing whiz who knows how to make this whole thing blow over!”
“Oh, that would be a godsend,” she added, clasping her hands in prayer.
The park is offering a pre-sale for the event, but numbers are reportedly falling below expectations. Sources believe it may be related to the pre-sale’s unusually long form, requiring guests to include their name, phone number, hours of availability, anticipated salary, job history, and staff-only T-shirt size.
