GREATER PITTSBURGH AREA — Suburban police departments throughout the area have recently commissioned B-2 bombers retired by the U.S. military in an effort to safeguard officers and residents from particularly threatening traffic, parking, and other ordinance violations, according to sources licking their lips as they slowly fondle the ‘deploy’ button.
“It’s a scary world out there,” said West View Police Department spokesperson Brock Friedman. “[There are] drivers going 35 in a 25; groups of teenagers standing near a building for 20, maybe even 30 minutes. Before you know it, we’ll have people smoking the Devil’s Lettuce in public.”
“Luckily,” he continued, exchanging his solemn tone for one of triumph, “we now have military-grade, nuclear-capable tactical aircraft to protect our community from lowlifes speeding on a four-lane road or hoodlums hellbent on lingering around private property.”
Police in Mt. Lebanon commissioned their first stealth bomber early in May. So far, the results have reportedly warranted the investment.
“I think the real question is, what can’t it do?” said representative for the Mt. Lebanon Safety Department Kristy Nicholson, patting the wing of the $950 million, taxpayer-funded bomber . “Ever since we’ve gotten this bad boy, curfew violations have dropped five percent while the amount of scum breaking the overnight parking ordinance has plummeted seven.
“In short, the word is out: park on the wrong Mt. Lebo streets between 2 and 6 a.m., and it’ll cost you anywhere from $20 to whatever it takes to rebuild an entire two-mile blast zone radius.”
Meanwhile, police in Sewickley were unavailable to discuss their department’s new M1 Abrams battle tank, as it was currently out blocking a lane of traffic for a disabled vehicle on Ohio River Boulevard.
