BRIGHTON HEIGHTS — Entering tonight’s first preseason binge, local Steelers fan Dave Wisnewski remains confident he can duplicate the incredible alcohol-related stat line he produced last season, the 34-year-old reported today.
“I’ve been working all summer, and I feel in the most self-destructive shape of my life,” said Wisnewski, who trained this off-season with an intense regiment of rationalizing his dangerous levels of alcohol consumption and avoiding messages from concerned friends and family. “People say it gets too hard as you get older, that your body can’t keep up. I don’t buy it. When I wake up each morning, I’m primed to hit the bar and show what I’m made of.”
Bartenders throughout the area struggled to slow Wisnewski down last year. Of his opponents, only Yesterday’s Bar and Grill’s Joe Hamilton was able to keep him under ten drinks in one sitting thanks to a late-game taser infraction that got the barkeep suspended for three games.
Wisnewski’s challengers kept coming back to his work ethic, not to mention a bit of an uncanny sixth sense, when asked how he might maintain such a wave of dominance.
“The guy is a total workhorse,” said long-time veteran Erin Washington of Sidelines Bar and Grill in Millvale, posting pictures of Wisnewski around the bar with a warning not to serve him. “It’s not a question of stopping him; you just try to limit the damage. Then, when you think you’ve got everything under control, he finds the soft spot in your coverage where he can sneak a quick shot for a couple cigarettes or chug half-filled glasses from people who left the bar. His instincts are unbelievable.”
Wisnewski was particularly hard on inexperienced bartenders last year, including Ryan Watts of Mario’s Southside Saloon, whom he burned for 19 beers, two enuretic episodes, and one broken pane of glass. Watts envies the skills, but hopes the home crowd will back him this year if he matches up against the area’s top drinker in almost every statistical category.
“Listen, the guy is a legend and for good reason,” he said, shivering at the sight of gameday footage from last year. “But I really hope this time around people will start chanting my name to call the cops instead of chanting his name for shitting all over the bar.”
Ultimately, Wisnewski wants to be recognized for his perseverance no matter what happens this year.
“I want people to remember me pushing the limits of my body year in and year out,” he said, twisting open a bottle of Ten High whiskey before lunch. “I won’t stop until the very end, which, according to my doctor, might not be all that far off at this rate.”
