LATROBE — Pittsburgh Brewing Company announced this morning the sudden release of I.C. Seltzer, a beer-flavored, 95-calorie hard seltzer beverage intended to compete with products like White Claw and Truly, according to sources who insist the product’s lettering won’t smudge as easily in the future.
“We pride ourselves on innovation,” said company spokesperson Marie Scott. “Hence our excitement over the chance to offer the world’s first and totally unique beer-flavored seltzer. This easy-drinking gem has a taste completely indistinguishable — I mean, you absolutely cannot tell the difference — from popular pilsners, but with the same watery, carbonated feel White Claw drinkers love.”
Scott also explained that the company plans to add other hard seltzer flavors over the next two years.
“We’re so confident in I.C. Seltzer’s success that we’ve already made plans to expand the line with more delicious original tastes,” she said. “It will start next summer with a refreshing beer-mango mix, followed by a full-bodied beer-flavored beverage we’re calling I.C. Heavy Seltzer. Unlike our competitors, we wanted to offer something for seltzer drinkers who care more about that smooth, malt feel than just saving a few calories and carbs.”
Local beer drinker Bob Martin admitted to expressing skepticism when he agreed to join the new seltzer’s focus group.
“I used to think seltzer drinks were just for snowflakes and women,” he said, curiously glancing at the color pattern on the I.C. Seltzer can compared to the previous case in his trash can before apparently dismissing the issue. “One sip, though, and they nearly had to disband the focus group just so I would stop screaming about Mike Tomlin — that’s how real it is, except better for you or something…I guess. The fuck if I know, but I can’t get enough of them!”
In related news, leaked messages from Kraft Heinz reveal the company could announce its new ketchup spice latte as early as tomorrow morning.
