NORTH SHORE — Pirates management reportedly celebrated this morning that PNC Park will host a lineup “even more over the hill” than theirs when the Green Day, Fall Out Boy, and Weezer tour heads there on August 15, 2020.
“Nice to have some other has-beens in the park,” said president Frank Coonelly, who admitted his club also had several “never-weres and never-will-bes” throughout its roster. “Apparently these Green Day guys used to smack it out of the park, but now they just dink around these power pop hits all over the airwaves. Well, I’ll say this: that’s the kind of bottom line-sustaining appeasement our organization can appreciate.”
GM Neal Huntington praised the bands for their ability to maintain a revenue stream based on prior success.
“I think everybody is excited to learn from them,” he said, fervently taking notes. “You have to love how these guys in Fall Out Boy can still drain money from a subsection of society that used to wear girl jeans or eyeliner as upperclassman in high school. We are still trying to rebound from a little dismantling of our 94-win roster in 2013, yet they have people willing to pay absurd service fees to hear a song they cried to after getting dumped in 2004 — that’s impressive.”
“Plus, those lyrics,” he added. “‘Sugar, we’re going down swinging’? Funny that — we usually are, too!”
Long-time Pirates and Weezer fan Rick Horner explained how he has continued to support both acts over the years, despite visible or audible deterioration in the product.
“You watch Bobby Bonilla crushing homers or hear Weezer pump out a whole album of catchy hooks, and it sticks with you,” he said. “By the time you realize Melky Cabrera is a ‘big signing,’ Adam Frazier is playing 136 games, and you’re paying $60 to hear Rivers Cuomo belting the words to ‘Africa’ by Toto, you’re kind of just numb to it all.”
Meanwhile, the team’s pitching staff allegedly felt “gutted” upon discovering that Bob Dylan’s Pittsburgh stop is scheduled for the UPMC Events Center. Sources say the group had hoped PNC Park would also host a performer who likewise looks good on paper, but performs horrendously live.
