This excerpt is from Pittsburgh Unfiltered’s completely unlicensed hockey compendium A Game of Violence: Three Periods and a Lot of Blood, which will be made available as a free PDF download at the start of the Penguins’ season Thursday, October 3. The editor — pretty sure he goes by Chief — was a jagoff, but he begged us (/paid us handsomely in beer) to post this section first, so here goes nothing.
As the chief editor of this particular production, I find it necessary to explain the circumstances of its creation. Without explanation, I fear its numerous faults – a lack of cohesion, run-on diatribes, and questionable content – may fall upon me due to the expectations of my position. I can ensure you, however, that none of these very valid criticisms should be directed at my work and are a result of Mr. Kowalski’s lack of cooperation and presumably unsavory lifestyle.
Throughout my time working with Mr. Kowalski, he has avoided numerous attempts made by me and others within the company to contact him via phone, e-mail, social media, and singing telegram – his requested alternate means of contact. We have also made several direct visits to his provided address, where he has claimed to be an identical twin, fraternal twin, and well-acquainted doppelganger, respectively, who would pass on the word as soon as he got home.
On the rare occasion that Mr. Kowalski attended a scheduled meeting with his editing team, for which we had to supply transportation, he was unprepared, unkempt, ill-tempered, and refused to interact with our team’s feedback and suggestions until he was provided a complimentary meal. Moreover, he spent most meetings deploying barbs at the physical appearance and cultural tastes of our team’s members, myself included, and made numerous interruptions during feedback sessions by chanting “Here we go, Steelers!” and reciting quotes from Steven Segal movies. Never, in my 15 years working as an editor, have I witnessed such bizarre and sophomoric behavior.
Mr. Kowalski even neglected to assist the third-party writer who was brought on to compose the biographical excerpts for the “About the Author” section and publicity purposes, as defined within the contract he established with our company. The author furnished few pertinent details about his background, current undertakings, or any other verifiable information, and insisted that he preferred “to live in the shadows.” He advised us, though, that this quote was acceptable to include within the description.
Accordingly, it is important for you, the reader, to understand that the information contained with the “About the Author” section of this publication is based largely on the unlikely tales and boasts claimed by Mr. Kowalski, vetted by the contact he provided who, despite sounding like Mr. Kowalski in phone conversations, alleged to be his close cousin. The remainder of the content in this section has been pieced together by interviews with the family and seedy associates of the author, and by connecting the dots within reasonable boundaries of editorial license.
In fact, the lengths to which this company has gone in order to see this work through to its completion have nearly led us to abandon the project altogether multiple times. However, all of Mr. Kowalski’s checks have cleared to this point, and so here we are.
With this last fact in mind, it is with extreme reluctance, but professional obligation, that I welcome you to A Game of Violence: Three Periods and a Lot of Blood – a Guide to Hockey for Beginners and Fans Alike, though I warn you to tread carefully through its content as a hypervigilant reader should.
Also: should Mr. Kowalski or one of his associates be reading this note, please have him issue our company another check for the most recent installment in his payment plan; we refuse to deposit one with “Getting down and dirty with Chuck K” written as the memo.
Regards,
Editor-in-Chief, Dan McCallister
