This excerpt is from Pittsburgh Unfiltered’s completely unlicensed hockey compendium A Game of Violence: Three Periods and a Lot of Blood, which will be made available as a free PDF download at the start of the Penguins season Thursday, October 3. Now get out there and demand blood while banging your head to ‘Enter Sandman.’
It’s Not the Score That Counts, It’s the Mental Instability With Which You Refuse to Accept It
Buy a jersey, watch some games, drown out the thoughtful analysis of a former professional player on live television with shouts of “Thun-der!” and air guitar noises – it’s all been done before.
No doubt, a true commitment to fandom demands more than a fashion show, cursory knowledge of the team, or several ushers at the arena calling you by name as they armbar you to the exits because you all share a “history.” After all, fandom does – rather crudely and loudly, in fact – occupy a space only briefly removed from its namesake, fanaticism, and mimics its guiding principles no matter the means of classification: rhetoric, behavior, or cognition – all the while rubbing its own navel in an attempt to seduce passersby. Indeed, to practice sincere fandom is to free oneself from the comforts of rationality and humanity, and to tell the guy next to you to hold your keys so that you can throw the first punch. So how can you, dear reader, demonstrate your fandom?
Be Personable — Many professional athletes lead lives of personal and emotional isolation, as they build and dismantle their reputation and social standing with each point tallied, mistimed play, or arbitrary non-verbal gesture that a member of the crowd inexplicably took as a person affront. This pressure may be even more problematic for hockey players, many of whom leave the familiarity of their native country to try to make to the NHL. To help players overcome such troubles, it’s always considerate to wave politely as they skate by during warm-ups, herald them with words of encouragement, and show off a sign with a collage of their personal family photos, a note that you’ve identified where they live via local tax records, and a friendly reminder that you would like an autographed jersey – now.
Acts of Kindness — It’s easy for participants – players, coaches, and fans alike – to become overwhelmed by the circumstances of a hockey game: the back-and-forth action, constant acts and threats of physical violence, that eight-game losing streak creeping ominously towards nine – there’s only so much the mind, body, and spirit can endure until the toll begins to manifest itself outwardly in the form of verbal abuse, unpleasant facial expressions, and an isolated exhibit of decaying civilization. It’s during these moments that fans are most vulnerable to acting on their emotions instead of rational, pragmatic thought. Should you find yourself in such a situation, rely on your instincts of kindness: it’s much more efficient and cathartic to beat a visiting fan to death if you and fellow fans do it as a group rather than arguing who gets to hit him with the crowbar first.
Impart Life Lessons to Young Developing Fans — Fandom, like any other internalized psychosis, may be met with skepticism, confusion, and apprehension by young persons who are intrigued, but still unfamiliar with its nuances. These fans in the making meet every measure of aspiration: they observe behavior; emulate it carefully; evaluate the response; and then, with incredible attention to detail, they adapt until they’ve teased out the reaction that makes them feel on the path to initiation. In short order, many of these apprentices can walk, talk, and make obscene gestures as well as an established regular. It’s at this point that a veteran to the practice – the older, the better – can illustrate the true dementia inherent in fandom by crushing their tiny fingers to get a souvenir puck thrown over the glass, knock them back in their seat to obtain that ill-fitting giveaway shirt, and rebuke them harshly for trying to get that free wiper fluid coupon dropped by the mini-blimps because they “don’t even know what the fuck to do with it, anyway.”
