Just hear me out, will ya?
Every year, my family wants to watch Scrooge mend his ways, Rudolph capture glory (apparently not a namesake thing), and Ralphie learn a valuable lesson. Yet every year they seem to forget about one holiday watershed that exudes nothing but Jesus-level infallibility: that’s right, I’m talking about Sudden Death — a street-illegal cinematic IROC oozing yuletide goodness.
Let’s start first with time of year. Yeah, sure, it takes place during the Stanley Cup Finals, but try this on for size, jag: I have it on good authority — https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saturnalia — that Christmas was only designated to take place in December to detract from Roman holidays and that Jesus may have been born around the summer. And let’s be honest, would it be a coincidence if our Lord and Savior, or whatever, was born during the peak of the NHL playoffs? I think not.
Not Christmas enough for you? Well fine, Jag Frost, but you tell me then what warms the spirit like a shot of Imperial whiskey more than a mulleted Jay Caufield and the Penguins vying for the hardest trophy to win in sports? Feel free to take a drink while you pretend to come up with an answer.
Besides all that, there are so many positive messages for the whole family. Van Damme, for one thing, murders Iceburgh — clearly a false idol — and, as a French-Canadian, his role led the way for such greats in this town as Marc-Andre Fleury.
Plus, let’s not forget about the film’s young protagonist, Tyler. Ralphie may learn some bullshit about shooting yourself in the face, but Tyler learns a Bible-worthy lesson for all: sit in your goddamn seat and don’t leave game the early. Should children give up on Santa because he has to overcome a three-continent deficit an hour before kids starting waking up? No. Did the disciples leave Jesus because they couldn’t get any mana in the third period and figured the big guy had no chance to come back from the dead? No. Does Tyler leave early to beat traffic when the Pens were losing? NO. And guess what — he survived a terrorist attack. If only our city’s parents would heed such a heartening and pious message.
So spend the holidays as you will. Don your Steelers hoodies, drink your Iron City WDVE 50th anniversary cans, and enjoy that Ekrich ham you found on sale at Shur Save. Remember one thing, though: no matter young or old, white or of color — Jean Claude Van Damme blesses those who watch Him with the Word of playoff hockey and Pittsburgh…and I guess God, whatever that’s worth.
