PITTSBURGH AND SURROUNDING AREAS — Calling the move “the beginning of the end of climate change,” representatives of Giant Eagle announced today the company will phase out its one-item-per-bag policy to allow as many as two items per bag.
“We’re all about progress,” said Giant Eagle spokeswoman Debbie Schultz said. “That’s why we’re challenging our associates to push each and every bag to its structural limit. Can that frail blue plastic hold a second can of condensed soup or box of spuds? We don’t know, but that’s a risk we’ll have to take if we want to save Mother Earth.”
Researchers at Carnegie Mellon estimate the measure could reduce the Great Pacific Garbage Patch by 70 to 85 percent and lower carbon emissions from plastic production by about half. Locally, residents would see a substantial reduction in blue Giant Eagle bags blowing around at bus stops, stuck in overgrown weeds and unattended brush on the side of the road, and bursting out of a kitchen crevice or cabinet alongside bags from the liquor store.
Even so, some customers have pegged the change as a politically motivated ploy that will only hurt everyday people.
“Oh here comes the radical left again, trampling all over the little guy,” said Bill Tarpley of Cranberry. “Without those extra bags, what are we regular folk going to line the little bin in the bathroom with? And how do you expect me to carry a gallon of milk around? I had a neighbor who used to haul them from the store without a bag, and you know where he is? Dead…probably.”
Employees remain equally skeptical, including Baggers Union Local 137, who threatened to strike over the measure.
“If Giant Eagle wants skilled labor, they should pay skilled labor wages,” said chapter president Larry Limberg. “It’s bad enough that they want us to Tetris groceries together like a damn math genius. Now they also want us to send old ladies to their Access car with bags one pack of Newports away from utter destruction, and we won’t stand for it.”
The retailer declined to respond to numerous inquiries on whether it also planned to open more than two out of a possible 18 checkout lanes.
(Article by Sloover — sloover.com)
