BROOKLINE — Vehement racist Jack Waldermann “can’t wait” for his chance to explain to video maker Dean Bog how his neighborhood “is like one big, loving family,” the 51-year-old reported Sunday between thinly-veiled euphemisms for his incredible level of prejudice.
“It’ll be exciting to show Dean how everybody here is made to feel like they belong,” said Waldermann, waiting desperately for somebody to laugh at his subsequent suggestion that a black NFL player running quickly downfield had learned it from prior experience with law enforcement. “When we sit down on the porch — you know, so I can keep an eye on some of the riff-raff around here — he’ll see that every last person is like a brother or sister to me, so long as they ain’t blasting that obnoxious music and know how to wear their clothes right.”
Waldermann also intends to share a self-curated list of establishments on the area’s main drag for Bog to visit.
“I personally inspected every spot to make sure they don’t attract any, uh, troublemakers, if you catch my drift,” he said. “It’d be a shame if Dean couldn’t see the unity and warmth we have to offer because a couple of those types didn’t hear the comments I made under my breath that maybe they should hang out somewhere else.”
“Also included some good spots to eat,” he added. “Don’t want him going to that Las Pintos or whatever and getting food poisoning. ‘Pollo’? I don’t know Mexican; Christ, that could be anything.”
Bog noted he plans to cancel the meeting after seeing a trend of unsettling behavior from the long-time Brookline resident.
“At first, I appreciated Jack’s enthusiasm for helping me,” he said. “But when he realized some of my friends I mentioned living here were black, he wouldn’t stop saying how he’s got nothing against ‘the brothas.’ Not to mention that map he sent me marked with all the houses to avoid because the people living there ‘probably sell drugs by the looks of them.’ Yikes.”
As of press time, sources say Waldermann was commending Pittsburghers on various social media posts for knowing “how to treat people right,” noting he would be glad to help anybody who has something critical to say “get the fuck out.”
