We yinzers are utterly spoiled when it comes to sports. Our football and hockey teams have been considered elite by everyone in their respective leagues for decades. And if Pittsburgh were to ever get a professional basketball or baseball team, I’m sure they would quickly establish a winning legacy as well.
This winning reputation can make watching a Pittsburgh-less championship game especially traumatic. This year’s Super Bowl LVI features the Los Angeles Rams and Cincinnati Bengals, neither of which teams are the Steelers, or even one whose players and coaching staff we threaten to mortally wound on a weekly basis. In order to cope with the pain of watching two other teams battle over what is rightfully ours, we here at Pittsburgh Unfiltered present a guide to tweaking your TV so that it kinda almost looks like the black and gold are on the field.
Reduce Your TV’s Color to 0
This will vary TV by TV, but in general, you can go to Menu -> Picture -> Color and set the value to 0. Or there may just be a “monochrome” option. You may notice that between the Rams and Bengals, both teams will look quite similar to the Steelers’ home and away jerseys. And you know what’s better than one Steelers roster in the Super Bowl? Two. Pretend we had such a good year, we had to scrimmage ourselves for the Lombardi Trophy.
Reduce the Sharpness
Go through the same menu steps but select the Sharpness value and bring that down to 0 as well. Make the screen as blurry as possible, so that you don’t accidentally catch a “Stafford” or “Burrow” to yank you back to reality. Hell, if you wear glasses or contacts, chuck them in the basement freezer until the end of the game. The less you can see, the better.
Reduce Volume to 0
The audio of the game will be a dead giveaway that the Steelers aren’t playing. And if you simply press Mute, you will have that little speaker indicator on the screen for the entire game, reminding you that you’re living a lie. But if you just pull the volume down to 0? You get to stay in happiness fantasyland. And what should you listen to instead? The music of our grandfathers: a Youtube playlist of Myron Cope clips.
Reduce Your Grip on Reality
Transitioning to some Steel Reserve will speed this along immensely. Then, a dozen deep and one stray thought away from realizing our next long-term QB might make Kent Graham look like Johnny Unitas, tape a #2 on the screen. Who’s that blurry, statuesque Big 12 something-or-other State all-star slinging the ball 50 yards down the field? Mason fucking Rudolph. Sure, he looks poised in the pocket and he passes more than seven yards downfield. Maybe he got a life coach; it’s not your job to drive around and see what he’s up to. In fact, if you’re doing it right, everyone will insist that you don’t drive at all.
(Article by John Danek — @jjdanek)
