MON VALLEY — A 1999 Chevy Cavalier valued at $4 got its first $10 car wash of 2020 yesterday, according to sources insisting you can get rid of the cigarette smell by spraying the seats with heavy volumes of Axe body spray.
“I’d call it more an investment than an expense,” said owner Chaz Geibel, screaming over the vehicle’s loud, irregular engine noise before it sputtered out. “If you want this beaut’ to shine in the Walmart parking lot, then you have to give it the weekly extra premium washes, shammy cloth dry, and money you promised would go towards the heating bill that it deserves. Add in the slick accents of the off-colored hood and back passenger door, and it’s not even a competition who the guy working at Sunoco with the sickest ride is.”
Geibel claimed the money he spent on the vehicle provided other fringe benefits.
“A fresh look keeps those tow truck predators at bay,” he said, putting the cigarette into his mouth to show two middle fingers to one passing by. “That extra money you spend on the hot wax saves you a ton of time in their office explaining that, no matter what your dick neighbor said on the phone, you don’t actually want the vehicle incinerated immediately. That’s how I lost my 1995 Ford Explorer with no hubcaps, and I’ll be damned if I let it happen again.”
As of press time, sources say Geibel was clarifying to car wash staff that he would be done “showcasing” the vehicle in their parking lot as soon as his friend arrived in an Uber to help him push it home.
